I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
You can't just be this socially awkward and sexually frustrated and jealous as a fucking demon and be expected to stay sober.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
