i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
She wanted to roleplay. Apparently you be snow and i'll be a plow wasn't an option
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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