Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My dick has a subreddit
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Randomize
