i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
