god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
apparently domino's not only has a live feed of pizzas coming out of the oven, but it also has a built in smooth jazz radio station. this pizza's getting really pornographic really fast.
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize