my mouth tastes like poor choices
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Randomize
