I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
We were sexting and i didn't know what to say, so i said i wanted to wrap him in tortillas and devour him like a burrito. then i went on by saying that i liked my burritos with a lot of cheese.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Walking into her house she felt something in her bra.... It was a used condom. Sadly enough this is not the first or last time it will happen. It's time for an intervention.
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
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