o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Randomize
