Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
I know you don't remember, but the teeth marks on my face say it happened.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
I mean, it was a fun hookup and he's cute and whatnot, but he wouldn't go down on me. Plus he's a republican. Idk why but those things feel like they go hand in hand.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
Randomize
