I think i peed on brittanys purse
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
He's still short.... And probably a douchebag. But if we ever run into him downtown I fully encourage you to take him home and have "I hate you douchebag" sex and lick every inch of that disgustingly toned chest.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
