I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
On our way there. Drinking my beer out of a coffee pot. Cuz it's my bday
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
