thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
These 19 Underage Drinkers Epicly Got By With A Horrible Fake ID
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
These Are The 21 Strangest Sexual Fantasy Confessions
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.