I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
He's the kind you'd bring home and you'd wake up and all your food would be half eaten on the kitchen floor and all your socks would be missing.
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.