Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.