you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I feel like every car around me knows I'm driving in my snuggie
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I've broken 3 vibrators in the past month because I apparently am "too rough" with them. Is that even possible?!
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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