Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome
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They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
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I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
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