Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
Me and you. The most fucked up people on the planet drinking together. Hell yeah
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
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