Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
So apparently I ended up throwing my clothes in the toilet after getting kicked out of TQ and ran around the neighborhood in my boxers. Works gonna suck hard once this hangover kicks in. Also: I lost a shoe so looks like flipflops for the rest of winter
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
His eyefucking isn't even normal eyefucking; it's eye anal.
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
