At best buy, little boy just crawled into my stall while i was taking a shit
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
I fell into his fridge. I want to leave.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
Wow dude wow that's sad man so sad. I dno't event wanna massturbate anymore due to teh sadness
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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