4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
She was so high she ate a little piece of weed off her pants and thought it was food.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
