There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
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