there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
just once id like to meet someone on craigslist who isnt fat
im trying to pick out the cookie crumbs from my adderall. it is a lot harder than it seems.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she went to type in rate my professors and rate my pussy came up in my recent searches. needless to say, i will likely be masturbating to the aforementioned site tonight.
i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
