mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
So I heard you only slept with me because you were drunk...is that true?
That depends on who this is.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
ANNA YOU PEED ON THE STREET. LIKE NOT EVEN SUBTLY. YA JUST SQUATTED IN THE MIDDLE OF THE HIGHWAY. And you flashed your tits to oncoming vehicles to try to get them to pick us up
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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