i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
there was naked duck duck goose
how does that even get suggested?!
after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
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