I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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