All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
