his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I'm at the local community college pretending to be a substitute for a computer applications class
This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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