My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I walked in and she was kneeling on the ground with no pants on, throwing up, and holding the puppy. It was one of those moments, where i was like damn i wish i had my camera.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Holy shit, did you actually CHOOSE to get hit by the alcohol truck last night?
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Randomize
