Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
the only time i'm productive on weed is when i drink.
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
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