I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
I don't know how God could bestow someone that emotionally confused with such an awesome penis.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
That is was cool to fuck the single mother accross the street until every girl i bring home gets the car keyed.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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