Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
