Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
