Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Still can’t get over the fact that we ate beef jerky off a strip club floor
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement 😭😂
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
