her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Randomize
