I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.
I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
Rolling one last joint on my Psych textbook before trading it in. I might actually cry.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Debating going to the grocery store with my vibrator still in, cause I can't stand the idea of it out. Lets do some risk/reward
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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