Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
Even though I'm gonna be a felon I'm having fun for time being.
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Randomize
