just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What happened last night?
Lets just say you asked me a couple times if you had eyeballs..
Randomize
