I wish I could teleport
Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I just used "et al" in a sext. I thought you'd be proud
oh god I've lost the ability to distinguish between 'star trek' and 'the future'
Why can't burritos get me drunk
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
