she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
