I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
You just sat there and yelled "I JUST WANT TO RUB MY NIPPLES"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
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