You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
Hurry. And bring back up. SHE WON'T STOP TALKING.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
Randomize
