Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
I'll sleep on the bed... The couch is now designated banging area. Any banging performed outside of that area will be subject to fines of cleaning up stains.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
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