I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
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