This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you
couldn't find a condom?
basically
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
you know you're a senior when your friends are at the bar before you even get out of class
why the fuck would you go to class? it's karaoke wednesday.
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Randomize
