Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I can't help but look at my sex life and acknowledge that this is not normal behavior.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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