If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
He had an extremely smooth butt for a man with such rough hands.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
