If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
Randomize
