Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
I ask for a dick pic and he sends a picture of Dick Cheney. Who does that?
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
Will you be doing the frenzied booty dance of passionate ownage on my penis tonight
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
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