my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
I think you just described to us the most perfect drunken fairy tale that has somehow never been written
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
answer honestly do you think i can make a bloody mary with ketchup????
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Man, I'm never going tanning again he noticed the burns on my ass
Randomize
