I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila
I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
Omg this place. I'm at a neighborhood party. My mom has kissed two other moms. Where am I
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
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