I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Wait, I'm confused. I EMPTIED the bottle? as in consumed it? I'm impressed with myself.
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize
