we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You could see the bone sticking out of his shin and he insisted he was "just gunna walk it off"
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Randomize
