Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
