i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!
I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.
I love tequila.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
He told me I took off my shirt, asked for the latino thunder and jumped on him. I want to question this but it sounds too much like me.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Dude. All I know is that I woke up on the floor with two naked chicks who don't speak English.
Clutch
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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