saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
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