so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
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I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Much like Dre, I was forgotten about.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize